[collapse=RP Note]Shaky and depressive and self-hating, this character will, at least initially, be utterly tongue-tied talking about this stuff. Take her by the hand, she needs it.[/collapse]

[i]Ugh, I am seriously ashamed of myself...[/i][u]Read More[/u]
[2 Notes Reblog/Like]

[i]You look like you're trying to find someone to disappear with...[/i]

I-it's a long story, really... all the classic elements. Love. Love lost. Pathos... And a deep undercurrent of guilt. The guilt is what makes me feel like a lost little child, wanting to be protected from the rest of the world. I mean, hate's one thing. I've been hated before. [i]They'd eat me alive.[/i] Maybe that's the White Liberal Guilt talking... I just... shut down. That and the bullying, because while I could occasionally tease at her Cis Liberal Guilt, one of the interesting things about structural transmisogyny is that it teaches you that this oppression doesn't matter as much... they try to talk you out of existing. My fault, I suppose, [i]that [/i]got flipped into really ceasing to want to exist in the persona created for me.

[i]Rule One: You do NOT join any organizations advocating for people of color. Your oreo-ass can write a cheque.[/i]

I don't know why I was worried about that. I don't know exactly why this thought does what it does to me... why I want to run away so badly. I think I'm just tired and need an excuse to go into hiding... and this is a damn good excuse.

[collapse=You ever have one of those relationships where things get serious and they leave you but not before exposing kinks you didn't know you had?]

My apologies in advance for what is a long story. Part of it is because I am still embarrassed talking about race play, which... like on an intellectual level I know is BS because I mess with trans/cis status play like all the time... but then not being cis, I had no Cis Liberal Guilt to so readily exploit.

My last girlfriend did though. She was actually the only cis girl I was seriously interested in in the last 7 years... and we hit it off. And we're both sorta SJ nerds so we ended up talking a lot of kyriarchy, and sometimes teasingly about how queer cis women needed direct experience in what being a queer trans woman (especially the coercively assigned maleness bits) meant. We also, that one giant leap from the kyriarchal ideal of femaleness, me trans and her Black, had this interesting quasi-identical privilege dynamic going on.

... So ultimately, I suppose I got what was coming to me.

I am a... transformation fetishist. Which means... (usually) physics-breaking changes to people for reasons of... well, in my case, some species of vulnerability. I have been my entire sexual life. So when things got serious, it was time to have that talk, and try to... get to the point where we can mutually meet one another's needs. And she was having trouble picturing some of it, which, you know, I understand. It's a more cognitive and less visceral kink than most.

And so I said, "well, we could try something a little more humanoid, like a doll or a statue or a bot-girl..."

And she pondered for a minute and said, "I may as well just make you Black."

At which point my heart dropped into my stomach.

Now I hadn't asked for this, suggested this, wanted this, mentioned this... or for that matter EVER included this in my fantasy life. So it's to my consternation that she found something that just... perfectly owned me. Imagine someone else being the absolute authority on your taste in... everything. Because having your own desires would be WRONG. Also, looking down one incredibly frightening slippery slope and having only the person you love to hold onto...

Sadly, things ended before we could get further than a couple spotify playlists into my re-education. The One came back, and you never can compete with The One. So I guess this is just an instance where a toy tries to show you her strings so they can be pulled on by the right girl.
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